


#5 - I'll Walk You Home

by ScullyLovesQueequeg



Series: 100 Ways To Say I love You [5]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Complete, Ficlet, Gen, Possibly Unrequited Love, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 16:24:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12585912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullyLovesQueequeg/pseuds/ScullyLovesQueequeg
Summary: It's plain to everyone that Mulder has feelings for Scully. In this little drabble, Mulder thinks about what it means.





	#5 - I'll Walk You Home

The dull background murmur of the other patrons and the TVs provided a welcome distraction from the smoke and the intrusive questions that tumbled his way as Mulder accompanied his buddy at the bar.

“I see how you look at her. Pretty much anyone with eyes can see, Mulder.” Agent Daniel Benson said, as he took a long drag from his cigarette, and exhaled a column of smoke that his lips directed away from Mulder’s face. Mulder’s eyes glanced at the door to the women’s room, and then around the table, where most of the agents had left, save a couple.

That was the thing about the bar. Officially, it was named _The Dead Drop_ , because of how many government people shuffled in and out of it at all hours, but unofficially, it was known as the _FBI_ , or _Federal Bureau of Inebriation._

“See what exactly?” Mulder asked, shifting his attention back to Danny. The door to the women’s room opened once more and a woman walked out.

“You and Dana. When are you going to ask her out?”

Mulder’s initial reaction was to deny the accusation, but the message got lost somewhere along the way from his brain to his lips, and instead, he made a soft noise that indicated his disbelief and dismissal of the idea of asking Scully out on a date.

“C’mon, Mulder. You ever thought about dating her? You can’t tell me a guy like you didn’t notice her. I bet you find her hella attractive. I know I do. C’mon. If you need some liquid courage, I got ya,” Danny insisted, but Mulder rested a gentle hand on his forearm.

“I don’t—I don’t need liquid courage. There’s nothing to be courageous about. I don’t think about her in any way other than being my partner. I have a lot of respect for her and… I would rather have that than nothing,” Mulder admitted, though interestingly, he did not deny finding Scully attractive. Another woman exited the restroom, and Mulder watched as she drifted past the table and joined the other patrons at the bar.

“Have you thought about having sex with her?” Danny asked, and Mulder was simultaneously excited and ashamed of the idea.

“No—I mean, I have—I mean, I’ve thought of it but I…” Mulder’s words faded into the barroom noise, and Danny refrained from speaking as Scully joined them. She smiled at the both of them, her smile betraying a shy sort of nervousness, before looking at Danny and then at Mulder. Her gaze lingered a little longer than usual on Mulder. Scully’s eyes met Mulder’s, and he glanced away, ashamed.

“Did I miss anything?” Scully asked as her fingers glided up and down the stem of her wine glass once Mulder handed it back to her. It was a slow, almost hypnotic motion that had they'd been alone, Mulder would have found himself commenting on.

“Mulder needs a girlfriend, don’t you think?” Danny asked, with a sly grin, to Scully. The topic took Scully by surprise, but she smiled in a good-natured way, and Mulder could tell the alcohol had loosened her up a little. She smiled more readily than she usually did.

“I think that would be nice for him, but I don’t think that it would be good for whomever he’s dating. I mean, for one thing… he’ll be spending time with me most of the day… and two, we’re on the road a lot. She would most likely end up unhappy.” Scully explained, and it was Mulder’s turn to be surprised, because the way she spoke with no hesitations, told him it was something she thought about on more than one occasion.

“I disagree, I think that Mulder would probably mellow out a little if he had a girlfriend,” Danny insisted, as Mulder took a sip of his soda. Unlike Scully and their mutual friend Danny, Mulder had decided not to drink this night, as he was required to drive all the way back to his home in Alexandria. Fortunately for Mulder, he was not fond of drinking, and only had a beer, before switching to soda.

“I don’t think I could see Mulder wanting to willingly date anyone,” Scully replied, considering her partner, as though he were not around. “I mean, he’s got a nasty porn habit, he works a lot and I don’t see him as the settling down type. She would have to be incredibly patient and understanding, supportive and willing to either join him or accept that she’ll always come second to his work.”

“Sounds like that’s coming from experience,” Danny said, and Mulder watched as Scully’s face became emotionless.

“No, it’s coming from a place of practicality. I spend all my time with him, so I think I would know,” Scully said, her tone implying she was done discussing the matter. Danny looked slightly offended, but Mulder stood and clearing his throat said,

“Well, it’s getting late. We have an early flight to catch to Phoenix. Thanks for inviting me. If you’d like Scully, I’ll walk you home.”

Danny nodded, and said his goodbyes, as Scully collected herself and headed out of the bar with Mulder.

 

As they walked, they were both silent. After a couple minutes, Mulder spoke up:

“Do you really think I’ll have all that trouble dating?”

Scully glanced over at Mulder, her eyes softening when she heard the undercurrent of indignation his voice carried.

“Well, I mean… I’m speaking from my own personal experience. I don’t think that it will be a cakewalk, you don’t trust easily, and you don’t even tell me what we’re doing half the time. I don’t think you would make a bad boyfriend, I feel as though you are a little too wrapped up in your work.” Scully said, though she was avoiding his gaze, he noticed.

“What would you consider the ideal dating partner, then? Not for me, I mean, for you.” Mulder asked, and Scully looked at him, reading his expression to see if he was playing a joke on her. After realizing he was serious, she began:

“I’d like to date someone who challenges me intellectually. I want someone who can make me still see the good in life when I’ve lost sight of that… I want to be with a person who can make me feel like home is wherever we happen to be in that moment. I’d like someone who could make me laugh, who allows me to feel emotion, and not only see me as a cold doctor. I want someone who will be there, waiting for me when I come back late from a case. What about you?”

Mulder thought about everything he had ever wanted from someone in a relationship and realized that he hadn’t put much thought if any, to the idea of dating again. His last two relationships were constant chess games that made him lose appeal for the idea of dating period. He had a habit of dating people he worked closely with, his friends observed, and he didn’t really consider Scully to be any different except she _was_ different, in every sense of the word.

The moment had passed, and Scully gave up on the idea of him answering when he suddenly said,

“I never really saw myself with anyone. I assumed I’d be doing this forever and that you’d be there right with me. I never—the idea of settling down was a dream I never saw for myself. I don’t think that as a person, I deserve that. Not at least until I find out what happened to my sister.”

Mulder glanced at his partner, who still was not looking at him. In a small voice, she admitted,

“Mulder, I don’t want this to be your life. I don’t want this to me mine, either. I… I would follow you everywhere you went, and of course, I’ll help you find out the truth but… it can’t be my life and it shouldn’t be yours, either. You really would deny someone the pleasure of sharing a life with you over your work?”

Mulder didn’t answer. To him, the question did not make sense; Scully was already sharing this life with him. But he soon realized that she did not consider herself the person he had volunteered to share his life with.

“…I guess I didn’t give it any thought because I’m already sharing my life with you. Our lives are intricately intertwined, regardless of our relationship. I… I don’t really have a desire to share what little piece of a life I have left with anyone but you.”

Scully paused and considered Mulder in a slightly different light now, weighing his words against her conscience, and when she had come with an acceptable output, she smiled softly, and glanced away from him, her cheeks slightly pink.

“You flatter me,” She finally said, but Mulder didn’t understand why she was being modest; she was a close friend of his—maybe even his closest—and he had no desire to let anyone else into what he perceived to be the chaotic path of destruction his desire to see the truth tended to bring. “One day, you’re going to find someone who will change your mind, someone who you feel is worth it, and you’ll be singing a different tune. But I’m honored to be sharing this life with you, for the time being, Mulder.”

Her words stayed with him, even after he had walked her home, and then walked back to his car. Her words made themselves at home in his backseat, and twice, Mulder felt that there was an unspoken meaning behind her words that were just beyond his perception, and that if he looked only a little harder, he could see it. He couldn’t even bring himself to humor the idea of being in love. Even the suggestion of the word love being implied was enough to bring a frown to his features.

_What the hell even was love but a bunch of chemicals?_ His mind wandered to the way Scully’s hair lightly bounced when she turned to walk away. He thought of the way the sound of her heels clicking against the floor soothed him when he was fraught with anxiety. He thought of the way she smelled, the way her skin felt, and he sighed.

Love, he thought, was staying up late, researching UFO sightings by year and locale. Love was the Chinese food they frequently ordered when working late in the office. Love was coffee she made every morning and brought to him in a thermos that she picked for him. Love was whatever he had with Scully.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to use this space to just thank everyone who promotes my work. I see like all 2 of you. Keep it up. That means a lot to me. I also want to thank the people who read this. I do it all for you.
> 
> Lately, I've been discouraged about my writing, but knowing that there are at least 2 people who read my work makes me smile, so thank you so much. If there are more of you, say something! I like hearing from people! i don't bite, I promise.
> 
> Shout outs:  
> \- Hemingway editor: for helping me proofread in lieu of a beta.  
> \- Katie, and all the other people who encouraged me to write when I lost faith in myself  
> \- My computer for not being primordial ass.
> 
> Lastly, thank you everyone for comments, feedback, and kudos. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.


End file.
